Right or Wrong?
How to step back and remove judgment from situations.
Let No Error but My Own Offend Me.
Written on a sign, these words reached across the little church and solidly planted themselves in my consciousness. I was jarred just a little. My notions of right and wrong were pretty well set. People who said or did mean things to others were wrong, and people who did for others and lent a helping hand were right. It was my perception and my safety net. I was young. Straightforward concepts suited me just fine. I reacted to issues according to the defenses I had acquired by bumping up against people who were “not like me.” Simplistic? Absolutely.
That was almost 50 years ago, but those words never left me. They became a reminder when others’ remarks triggered a negative response inside me. I was beginning my intentional journey into spiritual growth.
We had moved to Florida. Interesting people from all over the United States and beyond filled my environment; their ideas and perspectives influenced my own. My safety bubble expanded to accept more diversity. The fascinating mix of people presented many reasonable, alternative ways of handling this business of life. I had to explore it more deeply. What was right? Or wrong? What was Truth? I was drawn to metaphysics. And to that simple little plaque in the back of the church.
I learned that not all mean remarks were intended to be mean. Sometimes, they were an expression of hurt or anger held within a person. An innocent or thoughtless remark may have triggered a wound, even when bantering. A cutting response does not make you more potent in this case. It only escalates the negativity and lessens the chance for clarity….and respect.
People may have been abused, bullied or criticized unjustly during childhood. Minorities and people with divergent paths can be sitting ducks just because. Wounds create defensive responses as well as self-image issues. These defensive responses can quickly feel offensive to someone unaware of another’s inner suffering.
When confronted with offensive remarks, consider removing judgment from the situation before replying. Slow your breathing, relax your shoulders, and speak clearly but respectfully. A level tone of voice can calm the atmosphere. Raising your voice and jabbing back with forceful words does not give you more power. It will escalate the negativity and create an unresolved energy. Have patience with the other person.
If someone is hurt by words you used unknowingly, you might say something like, “I am sorry you were hurt by what I said. I apologize for the pain it caused you. It was not intentional.” Empathy, kind tone of voice, apology. However, do not criticize yourself for something you did not do. Don’t put yourself down. “I am so stupid. I was such a dunce.” Maintain self-respect.
Have the courage to say no to people who want to control you for their own reasons. Some of these people are otherwise kind and well-meaning, but they don’t always have your best interest in mind. Our best interest is our responsibility. We can be firm but still respectful.
Sometimes, we encounter individuals who are exceptionally hostile, aggressive, controlling or beyond what we are willing to deal with. In these cases, consider disconnecting with dignity. This method exudes more strength than power struggles. Removing yourself quickly could be more helpful than negotiation if there is a hint of a physical threat.
“Some people try to be tall by cutting off the heads of others.”—Paramhansa Yogananda
We can take offense or use empathy and consideration. When we take offense, resentment can stay with us. We suffer, usually more than the offender. Ignoring the issue can create a distance, an unspoken “something” hanging in the air. It can weaken the relationship. When we resolve a problem, we release the heaviness of offense from our energy field. We free ourselves. This is true whether we are the offenders or the offended. By speaking and acting genuinely, we help create an atmosphere of trust.
What else have I learned? There are many different ways of accomplishing a goal. I now tend to apply the phrase “right or wrong” to the electronic tools that populate every aspect of my life. As for truth, there are many levels of truth in my way of thinking. A wise friend once said, “If you don’t resonate with a truth, it might be because you have grown past it. It might not be relevant to you any longer. Or, you might not have grown enough to comprehend it. Or it just might not be true.”
That advice helps me find comfort right where I am; fewer “shoulds and shouldn’ts” agitate my peace of mind now. My favorite little phrase pops into my mind when I get triggered: “Let No Error but My Own Offend Me.” It reminds me to breathe.
As the singer Pink reminds us: “That’s all I know so far.”
